Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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