When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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