While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.
You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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