A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.
It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.
I lapsed into rude.
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
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