W. C. Fields Quotes - BrainyQuote

American - Comedian January 29, 1880 - December 25, 1946

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Life You Woman Rest

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Smile Day Humor Every Day Start

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Pet Down Clever Cheese

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Funny Food Wine Sometimes

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Women Look Own Like

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Fish Live Remember Dead

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Water Food Live Nothing

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Time Face Man Situation

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Success You Fool Succeed

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Man Turn Over Popcorn

Top 10
W. C. Fields
Quotes

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

Today Drink Real Ahead

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

You Woman Night Outdoors

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Death Drown Where Cold

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

People Horse Sense Betting Thing

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Snake Small Always Carry

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Feet Nothing House Like

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

You Bull Brilliance Them

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Snake Always See I See

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Heart You Long Your

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Love Beautiful Me Drink

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Me Woman Drink Never

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Up Living Gone Dollar

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Lunch Out Some Cork

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Me You Devil Great

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Life Hope Death Lost

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Sex Better Nothing Things

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