George Carlin Quotes

American - Comedian May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

See also: Quotes about George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin

Christmas, Live, Santa, Bad, Reason, He

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

Funny, Weather, Dark, Forecast, Tonight

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. - George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin

Wolves, Moon, Silent, Only, Nights

Electricity is really just organized lightning. - George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

Funny, Electricity, Lightning, Just

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

Funny, Evil, Confused, House, Way, May

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. - George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. George Carlin

You, Circus, Back, Monkey, Mean, Left

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin

Person, Cynical, Inside, Disappointed

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

Pet, Petty, Sweat, Things, Sweaty

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. George Carlin

Work, Time, People, Dream, Why, Never

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

Driving, Idiot, You, Going, Noticed

Top 10
George Carlin
Quotes

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin

Funny, Soul, Die, You, Belief, Roof

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin

Me, Purpose, Defeat, She, Said, Would

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin

America, Born, You, Freak, Seat, Show

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin

Time, Job, Fire, People, Enough, You

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. George Carlin

Good, Trying, You, Dust, Right, Next

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? George Carlin

Day, Wonder, Someone, You, Always, Got

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. - George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin

Future, Past, Present, Only, Immediate

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. George Carlin

Organization, Atheism

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. George Carlin

Chocolate, Eating, Feeling, You, Know

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin

Alone, Universe, True, Say, Little, Low

Religion is just mind control. - George Carlin

Religion is just mind control. George Carlin

Religion, Mind, Control, Just

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. - George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. George Carlin

Life, Step, Hands, You, Foot, Your

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. George Carlin

People, Me, Bible, Thinking, More, Older

Always do whatever's next. - George Carlin

Always do whatever's next. George Carlin

Always, Whatever, Next

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. George Carlin

Listening, Someone, Realize, Always

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. George Carlin

Memories, People, Interesting, Think

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