George Carlin Quotes

American - Comedian May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

See also: Quotes about George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

Funny, Evil, Confused, House, Way, Your

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

Funny, Weather, Dark, Forecast, Tonight

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. - George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin

Moon, Wolves, Silent, Only, Nights

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin

Funny, Soul, Die, You, Belief, Roof

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

Pet, Sweat, Petty, Things, Sweaty

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. - George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. George Carlin

Circus, You, Back, Monkey, Mean, Left

Electricity is really just organized lightning. - George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

Funny, Electricity, Lightning, Organized

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin

America, You, Born, Show, Freak, Ticket

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin

Person, Inside, Disappointed, Idealist

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin

Purpose, Me, Defeat, She, Said, Section

Top 10
George Carlin
Quotes

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin

Time, Job, Fire, People, You, Know

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. George Carlin

Organization, Atheism

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. - George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin

Future, Past, Present, Only, Recent

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin

Work, Money, People, Quit, Enough, Hard

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

Driving, You, Idiot, Going, Maniac, Than

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. George Carlin

Know, Only, Going, About, Did

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. George Carlin

Work, Time, People, Dream, Some People

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. - George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. George Carlin

Life, Step, Hands, You, Foot, Your

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin

You, Beat, Beaten, Arrange, Them

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George Carlin

Death, Together, Church, Enough, Own, Us

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. George Carlin

Bible, People, Thinking, Me, More, Older

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. George Carlin

Work, Time, People, Think, Want, Tried

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. - George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin

Communication, Truth, Language, Tool

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George Carlin

Time, Death, Small, Long, Over, Period

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. George Carlin

Death, Dinner, Party, Person, Always

Think off-center. George Carlin

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