George Carlin Quotes

American - Comedian May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

See also: Quotes about George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Funny Weather Dark Forecast Tonight

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

You Back Monkey Your

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You Driving Idiot Going

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Moon Wolves Silent Only Nights

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Work Time People Dream

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Funny Soul You Die

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Know Only Going About

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Time Fire People You

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Work Light Night Candle

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Person Inside Disappointed Idealist

Top 10
George Carlin
Quotes

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Pet Sweat Things Petty

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Me Purpose She Defeat

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Me People Bible Thinking

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Never Looks Know Like

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

You Born America Freak

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Believe People Authority Just

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Work Money People Enough

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Life Step You Hands Your

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Funny Evil Way Confused

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Funny Electricity Lightning Just

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Family Night Restaurant Nice Real

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You Eating Feeling Chocolate

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Future Past Present Only

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Myself Accept Only Reason

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Death Together Church Enough

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Communication Truth Language Tool

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