George Carlin Quotes

American - Comedian May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

See also: Quotes about George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

Funny, Tonight, Weather

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

Funny, Confused, May

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. - George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. George Carlin

Monkey, Town, Cause

Electricity is really just organized lightning. - George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

Funny, Lightning, Organized

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

Sweat, Things, Sweaty

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. - George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin

Silent, Moon, Nights

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

Ever, Driving, Faster

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin

Fired, Most, Money

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin

Freak, Seat, Ticket

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. - George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin

Future, Immediate, Past

Top 10
George Carlin
Quotes

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin

Funny, Die, Roof

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. George Carlin

Desperate, Think, Say

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin

Disappointed, Person, Inside

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? George Carlin

I Am, Sentence, Longest

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin

Family, Other, Argument

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin

Purpose, Section, Self-Help

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. George Carlin

Atheism, Organization

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. - George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. George Carlin

Hands, Brakes, Step

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. - George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin

Communication, Concealing

Always do whatever's next. - George Carlin

Always do whatever's next. George Carlin

Always, Next, Whatever

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin

Reason, Myself, Only

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin

Very, Some, Existence

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin

Alone, Very, Rather

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? George Carlin

Impatient, Always, Got

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin

Beat, Beaten, Arrange

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