Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

George Carlin Quotes

American - Comedian May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

See also: Quotes about George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

Funny, Weather, Tonight

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

Driving, Ever, Faster

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

Funny, Confused, May

Electricity is really just organized lightning. - George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

Funny, Lightning, Organized

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

Sweat, Things, Sweaty

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. - George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. George Carlin

Monkey, Town, Cause

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. - George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin

Moon, Silent, Nights

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin

Funny, Die, Roof

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin

Disappointed, Inside, Person

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. George Carlin

Organization, Atheism

Top 10
George Carlin
Quotes

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. George Carlin

Candy, Bar, Toilet

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. George Carlin

Only, Going, About

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin

Purpose, Self-Help, Section

Always do whatever's next. - George Carlin

Always do whatever's next. George Carlin

Next, Always, Whatever

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin

Existence, Very, Some

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin

Freak, Seat, Ticket

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin

Family, Argument, Other

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. George Carlin

Believe, Authority, Pope

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin

Money, Fired, Most

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. - George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin

Communication, Concealing

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George Carlin

Death, Church, Idea

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin

Bad, Reason, Christmas

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. - George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin

Future, Past, Immediate

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? George Carlin

I Am, Longest, Sentence

Think off-center. George Carlin

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