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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

George Carlin Quotes

American - Comedian May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

Funny, Weather, Dark

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

Funny, Evil, Confused

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. - George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin

Moon, Silent, Wolves

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin

Funny, Soul, Die

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. - George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. George Carlin

You, Monkey, Circus

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

Pet, Sweat, Petty

Electricity is really just organized lightning. - George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

Funny, Electricity, Just

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

Driving, You, Idiot

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. George Carlin

Work, Time, People

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin

Cynical, Disappointed

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. - George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin

Communication, Truth, Tool

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin

Work, Money, People

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? George Carlin

I Am, Language, English

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin

You, Beat, Them

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. George Carlin

Know, Going, Only

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin

America, You, Ticket

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. George Carlin

Work, Light, Candle

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin

Time, Job, Fire

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin

Three, Floor, Two

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. George Carlin

Chocolate, Know, You

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin

Myself, Talk, Accept

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin

Purpose, Me, Defeat

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. George Carlin

Thinking, People, Me

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? George Carlin

Freedom, Fire, Fight

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. - George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin

Future, Past, Present

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin

Christmas, Live, Bad

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